Over the past few days, I have watched with great interest as women have offered #metoo on social media. Some offered just the acknowledgment while others gave varying amounts of details regarding episodes of objectification and abuse in their lives. I know that for some this has been a major revelation and came with much thought and, perhaps, fear or anxiety. Some have talked about how it is freeing to be able to express their anger, pain or just the facts in the company of other women. To be honest, it has not surprised me that so many have proclaimed, “#metoo”. I have been much more disappointed and sad that it has happened to so many. And angry.
In the midst of these proclamations, I began to see men posting “#metoo”. This set me to thinking about various things, not the least of which is how we fear separation, isolation and subjugation. By “we”, I mean men. I mean no disrespect to my male friends, colleagues, acquaintances and strangers who said “#metoo”. I am sure that they did so for valid reasons including showing support and solidarity as well as that it has happened and does happen to us. For both of these reasons, I started to post it, too.
But, I didn’t.
Why?
I suppose that there are many reasons. Some are rooted in fear, anger, embarrassment and/or shame. Beyond these, though, are reasons related to who we are as men and women (perhaps trans, too, I just haven’t considered this) and how this relates to a just society. I want to focus on these.
While a pastoral psychotherapist and chaplain, I heard many stories of abuse by many people. Although these stories were presented by males and females, most were by girls and women. My anecdotal input is that the overwhelming majority are females. Of course, this does not minimize the sexual abuse of males or that we can be victimized in lesser ways. It does remind us that the majority of males are not victims of misconduct or abuse. In fact, we are the perpetrators of these acts.
Yep, we are the primary perpetrators.
And we need to admit it.
We do so through two ways. First, we are the primary group that initiates a problematic and abusive element into the relationship. I imagine some men are responding with the “but SHE started it” or “She did it to me, first.” And women can be abusive. But we are the primary group. This said, each of us makes a choice to act or react in a certain way. As long as we are adults, our actions are our responsibility. Defending and denying doesn’t help.
Second, our culture in the United States supports and encourages our using others for own desires. We are encouraged to dehumanize our neighbors for some reason or another – race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, etc. If we can objectify others, then it makes it easier for us to get our needs met while thinking that we are not hurting others. But, it is precisely this attitude and approach that transforms the act into abuse. This attitude reflects our sense of power over another. Do we, I mean white males, not have the power in this country? We make the laws and comprise most of law enforcement, clergy, leaders in various economic, educational and other entities. Despite the advances made by women, minorities and others, we live in a culture primarily defined by white males and when challenged, we scream bloody murder, blaming others. But, it is ours to determine and we hold on to the power with every ounce of our being.
And it is from this base of power that we exert our control on others.
I do not post #metoo because it will be for me a way of using my power to co-opt an important action by others, an action that brings a powerful voice to those who have less power.
But, there is another reason that I do not post it. Frankly, if I do, I paint myself as a victim of the same magnitude as others. I am not. Because I am part of the group that causes the pain. It is different for me and if I post it, I make it look like I am powerless to do anything about it.
And I’m not.
In fact, I am one of many who have the power to respond in positive ways. I can work toward change. I can partner with those who say #metoo and work to right the wrongs.
Sometimes I think that we approach justice and the development of a just society by trying to change others. “If only so-and-so will change, everything will be great.” Sometimes the focus on change should be on others. Other times it is on us.
Men, this time it is on us.
Whether or not you posted #metoo, please look at your actions and look into your heart and see what is there. Mostly, listen to the stories posted by the many women and hear how we have and continue to hurt them. Let these stories convict and transform us. They are powerful!
And then, let’s admit our roles in their pain and the ways that we maintain systems that encourage and support objectification and abuse. But, let’s not stop there. Let’s stop perpetrating and perpetuating the pain. Let’s all work together to change things. We will be better people for it.
And we will make a better place for everyone and take a big step toward a just society.
No more #metoo.